My Apologies to Friends

I haven't been returning calls or responding to text messages. I am so sorry. I don't have any excuses -- but, I just don't feel like it. I do try to be receptive to people who visit :-) but it's quite hard.

I also feel bad about missing important events. I attended one baptism ... but that was about it. I missed 3 first birthdays of kids of very good friends and a wedding of a high school batchmate. I feel so bad about missing everything, but I just can't bring myself to attend social functions yet.

I can't even talk to my in-laws. Nahihiya na nga ako pero Sam says sha na bahala.

Right now, parang ang kaya ko lang kausapin -- ang mga tao sa bahay - my mom, my dad, our household help, my uncle. Additional sadness ang wala na si Sam dito :-(

I am so sorry, I will bounce back! Matapos lang talaga to

Plan B: Fallback?

I've been absent from work for a month already - from Nov 26 - present... (well, more than a month, but everyone's on vacation from Dec 24 - Jan 4, so it doesn't really matter...)

I plan to go to work on the 5th and talk to my boss and our HR officer about my "situation." We are basically waiting for the baby to (sorry, this may seem gory...) shrink and soften (detectable by trans-V ultrasound) and monitor when it's safe to take the baby out.

In the meantime, I plan to go back to work and go about my normal functions. I am not having contractions anymore since I've stopped all medication already, except for the antibiotics that OBs prescribed as a safety net against infection. I am certainly up and about now.

Once ultrasound has detected that it's safe to do the D&C (raspa) -- I go under the knife, the hook or whatever. This will mean another few weeks recovery time.

I don't know whether the office will still allow me to do this. I highly doubt it since my post is a project post -- and I have missed a lot of deadlines already. My job also involves a lot of travel, and it is impossible for me to squeeze in some travel in my present condition.

Sigh.

I have to have a Plan B. A fallback.

I feel so bad because I really would like to stay and grow in this company. Crossing my fingers, and if the worst happens (they terminate my contract) .. so be it. I really can't blame them.

Mamma Mia!

A delayed holiday greeting to all of you!

We spent Christmas day in the family home in Tagaytay. A lot of Pinoys had the same idea tho - Tagaytay was really really crowded on Christmas day and on the 26th! Grabe traffic and full talaga ang restaurants. It was great that we had the peace and quiet (and cold!) of the house. We went with my parents.

Mia also joined us :-).. Mia is our new puppy - she's a 3 month old Lhasa Apso (we wanted to get a ShihTzu and made a mistake! But our Tagaytay neighbor says she looks like a cross between a Lhasa and a Tzu..)

Sam bought her with some cash that we got from our joint account. It was actually an untouchable account, but we had to get money to pay for credit card medical bills and pending bills. Hehe we decided to get a little bit extra for our Christmas/ Anniversary gift. So we got Mia! I'm a bit apprehensive about taking care of the puppy (by myself! Sam leaves tomorrow to go back to work) because :ahem: I am so afraid of dogs.



But she's adorable and fun and looks like she's gonna grow up to be a loving dog. We'll probably get along really well. She's a bit high maintenance tho, because of her white and long fur. I never knew that Sam loved dogs until I saw him with Mia.

Ngyi, I can never give her the type of attention that Sam gives her! Sabi ko nga wag i-spoil! We're trying to train her also to be a house-dog so she won't pee and poo inside the house! Tips anyone? Mia's not barking yet but she really cries a LOT - she hates to be left alone. Dapat lagi may playmate. Naku...

Let Go!!!!

That's our battlecry right now, oh baby - please let go!

It's bringing too much stress to our small family.

Yes, people - my baby is still with me. My blood is still ok, thank you God. I still take my medicines.

In other cases, kalahati lang daw ng gamot - within 8 hours, nag-lalabor na. But in my case, banig-banig na ng gamot. 3 weeks na. I've been taking it in powdered form, whole, quarters, orally and administered straight to the cervix. They say the medicine is illegal - well wa-epek ang abortion nila sakin.

I already know all doctors and nurses in the ER, even their shifting schedules (kung sino ang mabait, ang gentle, ang masakit mag IE) ... even the Pharmacists and Med Techs on duty. Pharmacists know what I need even before I give them the prescription!

And this afternoon, I was surprised when even the ER security guard asked me if I was well already. My OB says they can already write a case about my condition. I am scheduled for another ultrasound within the week if nothing happens.

Sigh. Maybe the baby wants to spend his first and last Christmas with us. By January and nothing happens, I'll go to work. Baka mawalan na ko ng trabaho. Ang laki na din gastos namin lately...

Ah, and tomorrow will be our 2nd Wedding anniversary. I love you Sam!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Ang Pinagsamahan ...

.. namin ni Marie Kiel.

She told the story in pictures : please read her blog --> http://bcozilovu.blogspot.com/2008/11/hugs.html .. Thanks Kiel! It was fun to reminisce :-) Mahirap ka din kaaway siguro ang dami mong alam!

Yes, I remember that typhoon-threatening day when we found out that you're having Gael. Dapat "Yoyong" pa ang pangalan kasi nga bumabagyo. And I remember not believing that it was "positive" when you came out of the restroom. At ayaw mo ipakita ang test kasi baka mandiri ako kasi may "wiwi".

Haha! Those were the days.

Ah, and as for the "comic relief" the day we found out about bebi pacua's heartbeat (pero thank you muna ulit for being there...)

Okay, so Kiel and I were in a bit of a panic , and at that stage when we didn't know what to say to each other. But just to clear up things, I was not in any kind of physical pain ... maybe emotional shock and disbelief lang. But I was up and about.

The ultrasound OB (In My Womb sa "The Link" , the multicolored building near Landmark) advised that I go to Makati Med ER immediately -- and Kiel and I were worrying - mahirap maghanap ng taxi! Rush hour pa naman (it was around 6-6:30pm ata) . So sabi ko, wait lang wiwi lang ako then we go find a cab.

After the restroom, I found Kiel near the security guard, all smiles - "Marianna!! May sasakyan na tayo!" Kinausap pala nya yung guard para tulungan kami kumuha ng taxi. "Wow." sabi ko, "ang galing mo!"

So hintay kami, hintay -- medyo matagal. May kausap na sa walkie talkie ang guards.. Kiel even asked the guard ... "Manong nasan na ho taxi namin?"

"Ma'am,, malapit na po .. " -- ... "Ma'am ayan na po ang sasakyan!! "

And whaddayouknow, AMBULANCE po ang sumundo sa amin... with matching flashy lights!!! Yung maganda pang ambulance ha... mukang bago!

Wahh.. as in , "Marie Kieeelll anong ginawa moo.." -- we were really trying hard not to laugh.. Nagulat din siguro yung driver ng ambulance na dalawang very able girls ang umakyat sa ambulance nya.

Sabi namin sa guard .. "Manong salamat -- pero taxi lang ho talaga habol namin..." We got to Makati Med fairly quickly in rush hour traffic.

Applause to the guards and the very able security agency of "THE LINK" for helping two damsels in distress! Talk about superb customer service

To Work or Not To Work

This is quite a morbid question.

There is absolutely no time frame as to when the drugs I am taking will take effect. So I might be waiting for weeks and weeks before baby finally decides to detach from us.

This takes precious days off from work. And I am worried - I am a no work- no pay worker. I feel weird that I am totally capable of going back to work but spending idle time here at home.

But I also feel weird that baby is still here. No emotional strings attached, really. I'm just getting really impatient.

Maybe I'll go to work Monday. Whatever. Advice please.

The thing is my husband is also wasting precious leave credits...

One week and still counting ...

My child is gone. Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

----------------

Around this time last week, I was walking towards my OB's office getting ready to record our baby's heartbeat through the Doppler - not knowing that it was going to be one of the darkest time of my life.

Anyway .. what happened that evening was extreme panic for friends and family and husband (who flew all the way home from Mindanao.)

Now, a week later. NOTHING is happening to me. Except for a few seconds of pain once every 8 hours (I really measure it) I am a "ticking time bomb" - I am really strong enough (physically and emotionally) to even go to work - however, I would like to spare everyone the panic when time comes for you-know-what.

Slowly, things are returning to normal in our house. My dad's back to work (but feels pretty lonely in our apartment in Makati) , and my mom is back playing badminton with friends, and my husband is back to -- well sleeping a lot ( hehe..)

But we now go to the hospital 3 times a day for my medication (yes, I can even drive!! sabi nga ni Sam pag sya ang nagdrive, ma stress ako at matapos ang impatience naming dalawa -- pero ayaw ko pa din - heart attack aabutin ko sa driving nya) - 9:30 am, 5:30 pm and 1:30 am. We can't administer at home since it's a prohibited drug. I can't be confined because it's not yet time.

Dear baby, it looks like you badly want to stay - but why did you have to stop your heart?

Kulang na lang mag duty ako sa ER. Lisa, if you're reading this - type ko yata mag late vocation. Tara, sabay tayo mag Med. You will learn a lot hanging out at the ER.

I just wish Sam's leave days won't run out while we're still waiting. I really really need him during this ordeal.