Goodbye Bebi Pacua ...

Dear All,

We lost the baby :-( at approximately 4.5 months into the pregnancy - we found out yesterday (Nov 26) during my regular OB checkup at Makati Med. Our family asks for prayers - to give us strength during this very sad time and for a complication-free delivery.

It's called "missed abortion" - 2nd trimester loss and the baby isn't budging. It's still in the uterus. What's strange is I never felt anything strange, nor did I have any spotting or discharge or whatever. The baby's heartbeat just stopped. :-( At the moment I am under medication to induce labor. My OB wants me to deliver normally. So right now I am waiting for the contractions. I've had 2 doses already.

I really did not want to post this here in my blog, however - I find it really hard to tell the story again and again (of course, people call and ask WHAT HAPPENED??) . Plus - writing relaxes me.

Okay so here's the story...

From 6 wks of pregancy to present, my primary OB was Dr. Bravo from Makati Med.

We decided to switch OBs from Makati Med to Binan. Primarily because of the cost, and also for the convenience. Most likely, I will stay in Binan after I give birth to the baby. So, last Nov 14 - I visited Dr. Cres at Binan Doctors Hospital to see if I will "jive" with her. Nov 14, the baby's heartbeat was in top shape and very healthy and loud.

So the decision was made for me to switch. I was supposed to see Dr Bravo for the last (regular - we're keeping her for emergency-Makati purpose) time on Friday, Nov 28 - to inform her of the switch. But yesterday, I was suffering from allergies and decided not to go to the office - and go to the OB instead.

I was so excited because I love the Doppler and hearing baby's heartbeat - I was all set to record the gentle "wo-wo-wo" sound of the heartbeat so I can send the sound bit to my husband -- but the doctor couldn't find it. We spent maybe 15 minutes rubbing that thing all over my tummy - nothing. Dr. Bravo recommended that I undergo ultrasound immediately. She was honest enough to tell me that there was a 50-50 chance that the baby was just fine or really gone.

At that point I was so scared and have talked to my husband (who was like, 1.5 hours away from me by plane) and my parents (both in QC at that time, my dad had a doctor's appointment) - but still I was hoping for the best. I told myself "couldn't happen to me" - I was thinking and thinking who else can I talk to re: my condition?? But I really did not want to make an issue out of it.

I guess God heard me because, guess who suddenly materialized in Makati ? Mommy Kiel! By some miracle she suddenly texted me (while I was dazed and walking towards the ultrasound place) and told me she was in Makati. She was there just when I got out of the ultrasound room and it was finally confirmed that baby was gone. Thank you Kiel for being by my side..

Baby had no cardiac activity and has stopped growing .. we don't know exactly when -- most probably between Nov 14-26. :-( I was looking and looking at the screen to see a hint of movement .. but there was really none :-( Plus, there was very little amniotic fluid. Gosh, it was so painful to see my baby fully formed already and very distinguishable, but gone! I never felt any physical pain -- even last night, wala talaga!

Kiel and Hanna's adventure:

So Kiel was there already and also saw the printouts. After a bit of sitting down in the ultrasound center - the sonographer/ OB advised that I go to the ER of Makati Med and meet Dr Bravo there. Our first thought was "Oh no, it's so hard to get a cab" so Kiel asked the security guards in the building for help to call a taxi -- para di na kami pipila. It was rush hour.

(ANYWAY may ibang kwento dito so next time na lang yun .. ;-)

We reached Makati Med and talked with the OB - who's also really puzzled with what happened to me and my baby. Especially if I never felt any pain or discomfort except for the usual pregnancy symptoms. It was last night when she first gave me the medication for contractions and labor.. Kiel stayed with me last night up until my parents came to the hospital.

I had blood tests that will help determine what caused the abortion. It may range from genetic, congenital, viral or it can be a syndrome (abbreviation is APAS I cannot remember the name) that's rare - mommies produce antibodies against their own fetus. There will be a lot of tests for us to really know WHY. Doctors told me not to blame myself. I don't know if I am -- but in my mind there are a lot of "I should have" -- "I shouldn't have" ...

So... to cut the story short. I am now here in Binan (with blessings from my 2 OBs) waiting for contractions to start. I have been given another dose this morning. According to the doctors, it can take as little as 8 hours or as long as 2 days for us to actually get where we want to be. Once I am in labor .. I will be admitted at the Binan Doctor's Hospital.

My husband is flying home (in fact, he's landed already and on his way here) Honestly, I don't think I can face him. :-( May be guilt that I did not take care of myself well? And I fear that my strength will crumble once he's here.

But as of now, thanks for those who've started praying - because I feel the love and I feel that I am strong enough to handle this.


Love,

Hanna and Family


ps. My dad just caught a bird flying inside our house.. maybe that's our little angel saying hello.